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Arguments: How to Approach a Relationship Inevitability

04/06/2012 03:38PM

Our latest guest post is from volunteer Rainita N., a student who volunteered with us during her spring break. Below is her take on how to handle an argument. Enjoy!

Arguments are bound to happen in every relationship no matter how compatible it seems you both are to one another, it’s just a way to deal with problems and feelings. Though arguments are in the future of every relationship, there’s always ways to go about how to get the most effective results. An argument usually begins with someone having some feelings or thoughts towards something and the other person disagreeing. Instead of being too scared to even tell the other person how you feel because you’re worried they might blow up in anger, the best way would be to start the conversation without pointing fingers at the other person and having a calm and understanding tone. Also if you’ve found out something right then, it is better to wait a while, and think of the general idea of what you plan on saying without your judgment being cloudy with anger or sadness. Then figure out what you want to talk about, don’t just follow other people’s examples from t.v. or what you thing the argument should be. Though it may be hard you need to have the confidence to tell the other person what is bothering you to give you the best ability for happiness to last and to not be bothered with what’s on your mind.

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Celebrity Marriages: Have They Set the Standard in America?

11/03/2011 02:30PM

*We are now featuring guest post writers, beginning with one of our own staff members, Angelique Keeling.*

In the wake of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’ 72 day marriage which recently ended in divorce, it makes one think, “Is this what we measure the standard of marriage against today?”

Kim Kardashian is just one of many Hollywood stars whose marriages did not survive the test of time. Kim stated in an interview “I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed into something too soon.” She’s not the only one with a short marriage. Britney Spears’ first marriage lasted 55 hours. Why did she get married? Jason Alexander, her ex husband, explained, "We were just looking at each other and said, ‘Let's do something wild, crazy. Let's go get married, just for the hell of it.’"

So many Americans today have lost sight of what marriage is about in favor of savoring the details and romance of the wedding day. We measure ourselves according to celebrities in so many ways, such as looks, weight, hairstyles, and fashion. We also measure ourselves in comparison to their weddings, marriages and divorces. As such, we enter into marriage with the idea that if it doesn’t work, there is always divorce. Some even joke by saying that their first marriage was just a “starter” marriage. We need better role models when it comes to marriage. Celebrities are human and make mistakes as we all do, a fact that we must keep in mind as we watch them say “I do.”

- Angelique Keeling

What do you think about this topic? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section.

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The Bee is Buzzing About Us

10/13/2011 02:55PM

Local church needed to fulfill wedding dreams of 20 couples

By Jennifer Garza - jgarza@sacbee.com The Sacramento Bee

Last modified: 2011-10-12T05:55:13Z -Published: Wednesday, Oct. 12, 2011

Wanted: A church willing to marry 20 couples on the same day next month. All are new parents and recently finished a relationship skills class. Pastor willing to officiate, a plus.

For the past several weeks, officials with the Relationship Skills Center of Sacramento have been searching throughout the region for a church to donate wedding space for couples who completed the six-week course.

"It's been a challenge to find a church that is large enough and available," said Tracie Stafford, a volunteer for the organization. "These couples can't afford a big lavish wedding but want to get married in church."

Individual weddings and receptions will be held back to back on Nov. 19, the date that works best for all the wedding parties.

"This is not a mass wedding," Stafford said. "It's more like a wedding marathon."

This is the first wedding group organized by the Relationship Skills Center, which ran the Flourishing Families program as part of a federal grant to serve low-income, pregnant unwed couples. Couples learned budgeting, conflict management, communications skills, and stress management.

In the past five years, 750 families in the Sacramento area completed the program.

The brides and grooms come from throughout the Sacramento area and are of different ages and backgrounds but share a common desire to have a church wedding.

"Marriage is sacred. My family has always gotten married in church," said Tiffany McDonald, 20, of Elk Grove.

She and her fiancé, Shawn McGrew, have become stronger as a couple since they have taken the class, and marriage is the next step, McDonald said. "We're ready now, and this is a good opportunity."

Carolyn Curtis, executive director of the Relationship Skills Center, came up with the idea for the multiple weddings on one day after many couples said they want to marry but could not afford a wedding.

She and her volunteers began organizing.

"Research shows having this public commitment changes the dynamics of the family," Curtis said. "The couple and children feel that they are going to be together forever. That is the kind of stability our children need."

Planning for the weddings has been difficult – especially without a budget.

In addition to a sanctuary, organizers would like a church that has two rooms – one for the brides and one for the grooms – to get ready. Two rooms to hold receptions where the families can celebrate afterward are also needed. Planners would also like another room where guests can wait. Each family is limited to 20 guests.

"We are also looking for other wedding items, like cakes and flowers," Stafford said.

Lori Junor of Sacramento and her fiancé, Brandon Priolo, who have been together more than three years, will tie the knot on that day. A wedding wasn't in the couple's budget.

"We didn't want to have a shotgun wedding and go to the courthouse," said Junor, 31. "This is something quaint and comfortable for us."

They are the parents of three children; each will participate in the ceremony.

"We have worked really hard for this, and now this seems like something we should do," Junor said. "It's the best thing for our family."

Call The Bee's Jennifer Garza, (916) 321-1133.

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THEY PICKED US!!!!!!

10/11/2011 02:48PM

We are very excited to announce that we've been awarded a Federal Healthy Marriage and Responsible Fatherhood grant for 2011-2012! $60 million was awarded to 61 organizations across the nation, and we are one of four recipients in California. The grant will allow us to grow our Flourishing Families Program, and to serve many, many more families who did not qualify for the program before. We are thrilled to receive this grant.

In the last five years we have helped 735 couples form healthy, stable, safe families. These couples were unmarried, low-income, and had an infant when they enrolled in the program. We will continue to serve unmarried parents, and we will be adding a class for single parents and a class for married parents. Participants will need to be low income parents to qualify. This grant will make it possible for us to reach 900 more families in the next year. We will help kids grow up with parents who love them and each other, and have the skills to make their family last.

In addition to the two new classes, all families in our Flourishing Families Program will receive job development support- something we have previously been unable to provide. This will help families gain economic stability and self sufficiency.

And we need your help! We will be looking for instructors, class assistants, playcare providers for the children, and more. We have some paid and some volunteer positions. We will be sending more information out soon.

Thank you to all of you, our community, who have made this possible!

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Buy or Sell a Home, Support Relationship Skills Center � At Zero Cost

09/01/2011 11:41AM

Do you know someone who is thinking about buying or selling a home?

Now there's a way for that sale to generate a big donation for Relationship Skills Center – at no cost to you.

Relationship Skills Center is partnering with My Broker Donates so your home sale can help us promote the development of safe and stable families in our community.

My Broker Donates connects non-profit supporters with best-in-market real estate professionals who agree to donate 15% of their fee to Relationship Skills Center. You choose the real estate agent you like best! It costs you and Relationship Skills Center nothing. It’s just like a normal real estate transaction, only your broker donates part of their fee to Relationship Skills Center – in your name.

A $500,000 real-estate transaction generates a donation of more than $2,000.That money will help Relationship Skills Center's programs that help support families among those most at risk by fostering interpersonal development for young people and couples.

Even if you have an existing relationship with an agent or broker, My Broker Donates can help you create a donation for Relationship Skills Center. Just visit their Getting Started page. They'll take care of everything, you'll work with a great agent, and Relationship Skills Center will receive much-needed funding.

These are real estate transactions that are going to happen either way, so why not help Relationship Skills Center benefit from them?

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New Report: Cohabitation, Not Divorce, is Now Driving Rising Rates of Family Instability in America

08/17/2011 10:45AM

Source: Institute for American Values
Date: August 16, 2011 08:00 ET

Released today by a group of 18 family scholars, Why Marriage Matters powerfully summarizes major new findings from the social sciences on the state of marriage and family life in the U.S. While divorce rates for families with children have fallen, family instability continues to increase for the nation's children overall, mainly because more than 40 percent of American children will now spend time in a cohabiting household.

NEW YORK, Aug. 16, 2011 (GLOBE NEWSWIRE) -- Today, the Center for Marriage and Families released Why Marriage Matters: Thirty Conclusions from the Social Sciences, a scholarly report that includes major new findings on the impact of cohabitation and divorce on children and families. This third edition of Why Marriage Matters is co-sponsored by the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values and the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. Chaired by Professor W. Bradford Wilcox of the University of Virginia, the report is co-authored by eighteen family scholars from leading institutions including the University of California at Berkeley, Brookings Institution, University of Chicago, Penn State, University of Minnesota, University of Texas at Austin, Urban Institute, and the University of Virginia.

For most of the latter-half of the twentieth century, divorce posed the greatest threat to child well-being and the institution of marriage. Today, that is not the case. New research—made available for the first time in Why Marriage Matters—shows that the rise of cohabiting households with children is the largest unrecognized threat to the quality and stability of children's lives in today's families.

According to W. Bradford Wilcox, lead author of the report, "In a striking turn of events, the divorce rate for married couples with children has returned almost to the levels we saw before the divorce revolution kicked in during the 1970s. Nevertheless, family instability is on the rise for American children as a whole. This is mainly because more couples are having children in cohabiting unions, which are very unstable. This report also indicates that children in cohabiting households are more likely to suffer from a range of emotional and social problems—drug use, depression, and dropping out of high school—compared to children in intact, married families."

Major findings of the report include:

Divorces involving children have largely returned to pre-Divorce Revolution levels. Specifically, about 23% of children whose parents married in the early 1960s divorced by the time the children turned 10. More recently, slightly more than 23% of children whose parents married in 1997 divorced by the time the kids turned 10.
Family instability for U.S. children overall continues to increase. The data shows that 66% of 16-year-olds were living with both parents in the early 1980s, compared to just 55% of 16-year-olds in the early 2000s. This shift is due to more children being born outside of marriage—especially to cohabiting couples—and the fact that these non-marital unions are overall much less stable.
Cohabitation is playing a growing role in children's lives. Children are now more likely to be exposed to a cohabiting union than to a parental divorce. The report indicates that 24% of kids born to married parents will see their parents divorce or separate by age 12, while 42% of kids will experience a parental cohabitation by age 12.
Children born to cohabiting unions are much more likely to experience a parental breakup compared to children born to married couples. In the U.S., the report finds that the breakup rate is 170% higher for children born to cohabiting couples up to age 12. Even in Sweden, children born to cohabiting couples are 70% more likely to see parents separate by age 15, compared to children born to married parents.
Not only is cohabitation less stable, it is more dangerous for children. Federal data shows that children are at least three times more likely to be physically, sexually, or emotionally abused in cohabiting households, compared to children in intact, biological married parent homes. They are also significantly more likely to experience delinquency, drug use, and school failure.

Based on the new data now available, the authors of Why Marriage Matters offer three conclusions regarding marriage and families in America today:

The intact, biological, married family remains the Gold Standard for family life in the United States. Children are most likely to thrive, economically, socially, and psychologically, in this family form.
Marriage is an important public good, associated with a range of economic, health, educational, and safety benefits that help local, state, and federal governments serve the common good.
The benefits of marriage extend to poor, working class, and minority communities, despite the fact that marriage has weakened in these communities in the last four decades.

THE REPORT surveys more than 250 peer-reviewed journal articles on marriage and family life in the United States and around the world, and also contains original analysis of data from the General Social Survey and the Survey of Income and Program Participation.

THE NATIONAL MARRIAGE PROJECT, founded in 1997 at Rutgers University, is a nonpartisan, nonsectarian, and interdisciplinary initiative now located at the University of Virginia. The Project's mission is to provide research and analysis on the health of marriage in America, to analyze the social and cultural forces shaping contemporary marriage, and to identify strategies to increase marital quality and stability. Directed by W. Bradford Wilcox, a professor of sociology at the university, its publications include the annual "State of Our Unions" report.

THE CENTER FOR MARRIAGE AND FAMILIES is located at the Institute for American Values, a nonprofit, nonpartisan organization dedicated to strengthening families and civil society in the U.S. and the world. Directed by Elizabeth Marquardt, the Center's mission is to increase the proportion of U.S. children growing up with their two married parents. At the Center's website, FamilyScholars.org, bloggers include emerging voices and senior scholars with distinctive expertise and points of view tackling today's key debates on the family.

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The Finale of FFP

07/27/2011 12:00PM

“This class saved my life, saved my family and saved my son!”

WHAT: Flourishing Families Program is coming to an end this weekend. For five years, the Relationship Skills Center has provided classes for over 700 low income, unwed, pregnant, couples or couples with a young infant, teaching them how to build strong healthy families. After graduation from the program, approximately 86-92% of our participants evaluated their ability to parent, create a healthy family, and provide for their children as better or much better. Many learned ways to relate to one another in a loving, committed relationship and to proactively raise their children that depart from the way they grew up in their own household. These families successfully finished our Flourishing Families Program not only with relationship and parenting skills, but with a road map for life.

WHY: The Flourishing Families Program was built from a five year grant from the Federal Administration of Children & Families Healthy Marriage Demonstration Grant. The purpose of the grant was to determine if training in healthy marriages and healthy relationship skills would strengthen family formation. The Relationship Skills Center was identified as an “exemplary organization” and garnered many awards during the past five years for its excellence in relationship education.

We provide a variety of relationship skills workshops helpful to individuals and couples of all ages as well as families in various life stages. Our goal is to create a community where healthy relationships thrive.

WHEN: Saturday, July 30^th, 2011. 10:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m.

WHERE: New Hope Community Church: 1821 Meadowview Road, Sacramento, CA 95832

PRESS CONTACT: To arrange pre-or post-event interviews or to visit the class, please contact: Carolyn Rich Curtis, Ph.D., Executive Director / phone 916.362.1900 or Carolyn@skills4us.org

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It's the Little Things that Keep Us Satisfied

07/14/2011 01:59PM

Last week, Carolyn went to a national marriage conference in Houston, TX. She attended talks that discussed research on pre-marital sex, core components of marriage as well as gender roles and marital expectations. She brought back a lengthy list of helpful tips that inspire intimacy between couples. Here, she comments on Pat Love's presentation that highlighted the importance of physical touch in a committed, loving relationship.

"Little things can make a big difference in relationships." This was the message from Pat Love at the National Association of Relationship and Marriage Educators last week.

Transition moments in our daily lives are when we are most open to change. Skin on skin touch produces oxytocin, the hormone that creates a bonding sensation that makes us forget negative experiences and that gives us a sense of well-being. Couldn't we all use that! Pat Love indicated that touching the face gently on the cheek can have a powerful effect.

Love indicated that there are four transition times where a caress on the cheek would be most effective. When we wake up is our first opportunity. The first person who wakes up may touch their partner's face. You do not need to talk. The second opportunity is when a person leaves for the day, this sets the tone for being apart. The third time is when you meet again. The fourth time, the caress is done when the first person goes to bed.

Love pointed out that men need 2 to 3 times more touch than women, and that most men are touch deprived.

This is a great way to take your relationship from good to great. Add a little touch to your life!"

-Carolyn Curtis Ph.D.

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Navigating Dating Sets Sail at Local Sacramento Community Resource Center

06/29/2011 03:18PM

Last Saturday, June 23^rd, the RSC held its second Navigating Dating Class and it was a thrill! 13 women arrived to learn essential dating skills that ranged from recognizing red flags to communication techniques. The class instructor, Charlotte, shared personal experiences and led empowering discussions about what it means to be in a healthy relationship. The group’s favorite activity involved debating about True or False statements such as...

True or False: You are more likely to fall in love on a cruise than with the guy/gal next door. The answers shocked participants and sparked lively dialogue about the biochemical reactions we experience when we fall in love. (For answer, see bottom of post)

Also, participants enjoyed talking about red flag scenarios such as: Your partner checks your cell phone, erases numbers and checks your e-mails. They talked about ways to handle certain red flags and make the decision to walk away from a relationship if it proves to be destructive or harmful.

The unique, all-female setting made participants feel safe to share their stories and express excitement about the learning material. Snacks and daycare were provided to participants who enjoyed a fun and informational atmosphere. All in all, Navigating Dating turned out to be a successful voyage for all the women who embarked on the journey. The next session of Navigating Dating will be held in August for both men and women. Click here for more information.

Answer: True. Novelty, stress, the presence of other strong emotions (such as fear) raise levels of dopamine in the brain which increases the likelihood that someone you meet in those circumstances is going to be more attractive than someone you know well. Also, other emotions, even fear create a sense of arousal that causes you to feel attracted to someone. This dynamic is part of how come people get into abusive and destructive relationships. (Don’t agree with this answer? comment about it!)

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Commitment: More than Just a Lease?

06/29/2011 03:04PM

Last week, The Sacramento Bee ran an article regarding the increase in cohabiting in the Sacramento area.

Is it helpful to live together before getting married? I think it is important that we look at the research before we reach this conclusion. The newest research on this topic is done by Scott Stanley Ph.D., and Howard Markman Ph.D. at the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. The key concept that Stanley & Markman developed is "sliding vs. deciding”, which distinguishes how the decision making process or non-decision making process to cohabit can affect the commitment level of the relationship.

Did the couple decide to live together as part of their overall commitment to one another? Are they living together with the plan to marry in the future? Or, did they slide into living together? Was the lease running out on the apartment and it was cheaper to live together? Did it start with leaving a tooth brush and gradually moving one item after another into the apartment without a discussion of commitment or what cohabitating would mean for their relationship?

As Scott Stanley wrote, "There used to be many steps and stages of courtship and relationship development that, for the most part, no longer exist. Does that mean it’s harder than ever to make clear commitments? I suspect so. In contrast to sliding, commitments that we are most likely to follow through on are based in decisions. In fact, one essential truth of commitment is that it means making a choice to give up other choices. A commitment is a decision."

Not all relationships are meant to last. But for those relationships that are, the fundamentals of commitment suggest that thinking about what you are doing and where you are going--together--and making a decision, can build a stronger, more lasting commitment.

If you want more information on Scott Stanley and Howard Markman’s theory of Sliding vs. Deciding see Scott Stanley's speech on YouTube.

Carolyn Rich Curtis, Ph.D.
Executive Director
Relationship Skills Center

Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Women Infants and Children (WIC) Grand Opening

06/22/2011 03:46PM

Today, I heard of the tremendous impact WIC (Special Supplemental Food Program for Women, Infant and Children) is having on the children in our community at the grand opening ceremony of their new office on Fruitridge Avenue in Sacramento, CA. A young mother with her two children in arms told how WIC taught her and her family how to live a healthier lifestyle with healthy nutrition programs. She also told us how WIC always supported her family during times of economic struggle and sickness by providing timely resources. Her story brought tears to my eyes.

Before WIC, many low income Americans were suffering from malnutrition. Especially of concern were pregnant women and preschool children. The program was designed to provide supplemental nutritious food as adjunct to good health during such critical times of growth and development of children in order to prevent the occurrence of health problems. It is important for all of us to remember the value of this program when the federal government is reducing WIC funding by $586 million dollars next year.

We congratulate WIC on its expansion to a community that is in great need of their services. They have been a great support of our Flourishing Families Program, which too, builds healthy, strong families. I consider it a win-win, because when WIC grows, so does our ability to work together to reach more couples in need.

Congratulations WIC. Job well done!

To healthy families,

Paul Sylvester
Program Manager

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Kids, Give Thanks to Dad

06/22/2011 02:18PM

This year The Sacramento Bee had a great message about the importance of Father’s Day. Kathleen Parker of the Washington Post said it particularly well. She even dared to take on the single moms in the audience. “Single moms are heroic, our culture tells us, and any suggestion to the contrary is heresy punishable by a suspension of sister-hood. Note: they are heroic sometimes, and sometimes not.” The sad facts are that 6,768 or 32% of our children in Sacramento County were born to unwed parents. 36% of our children under the age of 5 are being raised in with a female householder with no husband present below poverty level.

Why should we care? Once again, Kathleen Parker gets it right. “…social science and life demonstrate that children without fathers are at greater risk for all the pathologies parents and societies dread: early sexual experimentation, drug abuse, poor school performance, delinquency, truancy, suicide and the low self-esteem that inevitably lead to more problems in adulthood, not the least of which is is replication of the broken family template.”

What are we doing about this according to Kathleen Parker? I loved her response. “ We are building more prisons, extend more welfare, track down deadbeats and medicate distracted children…. Minimizing fatherhood as an institution has been amply considered and, at least by some in positions of influence, determined to be not that essential.”

Therefore, we here at the Relationship Skills Center take our hats off to the show up dads. Thank you for all that you do. From your children, your family, your neighbors, and your community.

Carolyn Rich Curtis, Ph.D., Executive Director

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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We Have A New Blog!!

06/22/2011 01:56PM

The RSC has officially entered the Blogosphere.... We encourage the community to comment about our events, articles and press releases!

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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